I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
