I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
