me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
