Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
