Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
