shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
