i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
