Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
