I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
