Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
