K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
