dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just puked most of my soul out..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
