I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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