I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
