i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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