So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
