Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
