I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
