I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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