I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Let's paint friendship bongs
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
