Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
