I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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