I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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