If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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