Moan for me like Helen Keller
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So apparently I’m into choking now
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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