I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
