Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
