When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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