my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
