So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
