Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
