nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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