All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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