Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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