just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
