I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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