K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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