the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
