Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
