I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
