I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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