nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
