everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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