Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
