Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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