God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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