i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
