A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
