Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Soap is not a condiment
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
