mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Come on in and take your pants off
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