Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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